Rebecca Walker was a teenager who was not afraid to explore her own sexuality and she notes: “it is important to consider what happens when this kind of self-exploration is blocked by cultural taboo, government control or religious mandate. What happens when we are not allowed to know our own bodies, when we cannot safely respond to and explore our own desire?” (Findlen 22) She recognizes that her experience was rare and that she was lucky not to encounter any dangerous situations (physically or emotionally). Why aren’t other girls able to safely express themselves in a sexual manner, especially when boys are (more easily) able to do so? For teenaged (and even older) females, discussion of sex can be silenced. Girls are labeled and insulted for engaging in sex; in Walker’s words, “for giving our bodies what they want and crave, for exploring ourselves and others, we are punished like Eve reaching for more knowledge. We are called sluts and whores” (Findlen 23). What is most interesting is the contradictions evident in our society—sexuality in the media is ever present, yet discussions about sex (including safe sexual practices) are often non-existent. How are girls going to learn to accept themselves and create a healthy sense of sexual identity when they are bombarded with the images of raunch culture but simultaneously taught that sexual pleasure is not for women (because it makes them a slut, which for some women, can be the ultimate insult)?
This contradiction is further discussed by Patricia Hill Collins, who comments that “sexualized black bodies seem to be everywhere in contemporary mass media, yet within African American communities, a comprehensive understanding of sexual politics remains elusive” (Collins 35). The images of black sexuality as animalistic and wild are more than common in our society—from Destiny’s Child “Survivor” music video to rappers with names like Snoop Dogg. We constantly make reference to black women’s “booties” and males’ sexual prowess, but the community itself has also been silenced about issues of gender and sexuality. Collins asks, “How can African Americans be sexually “closeted” when Black sexuality itself serves as an icon for sexual freedom?” In this time of raunch culture, it again seems that sexuality is something to be expressed or performed, but not necessarily experienced.
This lack of open dialogue about sexuality also contributes to the strict definitions of what is normal. Our sexually repressive culture and the treatment of sexual education in our public schools confirms heterosexuality and white sexuality as normal, and anything else as deviant. Walker and Collins both seem to support the idea that our children instead deserve a comprehensive and open education about sex and sexual identity. Abstinence has shown time and time again to be ineffective, so it is time that we begin to accept that children as young as 11 or 12 are beginning to have sex and educate them accordingly. Sex is no longer connected only with procreation; it is something to be enjoyed, by both men AND women. Wouldn’t we prefer that our children are safe in their choices and prepared to deal with the consequences?
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The desire to please the opposite sex is something that has been going on since the beginning of time. However, the ways in which we please the opposite sex have changed dramatically, and not in a good way.
ReplyDeleteRebecca Walker, author of “Lusting for Freedom,” writes, “And, like women all over the world, I had mastered the art of transforming myself into what I thought each man would fall in love with. Not at all in control of each affair, but very much in control of the mask I put on for each man (21).” A lot of women feel the need to change who they truly are, transform into something that are not, simply to please a man. Why is it that women feel the need to change for a man when often times men do not feel the need to change to please a woman? It’s likely because of the way society has portrayed the roles of men and women—that men are stronger and more powerful than women. Men are supposed to “wear the pants” in many relationships, meaning that they have the ultimate control, they have the ultimate say in the relationship, they are the dominant person in the relationship. A man would not be seen as powerful or confident if he were to change for a woman, at least according to society. Therefore, women feel the need to change themselves to become someone they believe a man will like more than the person they really are.
If a woman is to change simply to make a man fall in love with her, the entire relationship is going to be a lie. If we try to be something we are not to please someone else, that person is going to like, or fall in love with, someone who is not the real you. Rebecca Walker writes, “You could never be sure who was going to like you and why, so I tried my best to control what parts I could. That explains my attempts to be cool and sexy, my pretending to know everything, my smoking cigarettes, and of course, my doing it with boys. I did what I thought had to be done (21).” There is a lot of peer pressure for women to have sex; a lot of women believe that it is the only thing that men want. However, women should not be having sex with someone just to make him or her happy. Sex is a two-way street, and if one is not ready, then he or she should not feel pressured to have sex. And if someone is trying to persuade you to have sex when you’re not ready, then you should not want to be with that person in the first place.
Sex has become so casual that it’s almost lost its meaning. Sex is displayed everywhere we look—TV, movies, billboards, pictures, clothing. Sex used to be private, something special between a man and a woman. Now it often seems just like an accessory. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of people who still believe that sex is something special and There are so many things that are more important than sex, but not in society’s eyes. We all need to take a step back and remind ourselves of what is really important in life.
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ReplyDeleteI agree with Meghan, in that open dialogue about sexuality is vital, especially in this oversexualized culture. I don't know how I feel about beginning "to accept that children as young as 11 or 12 are beginning to have sex," however. Maybe this is naive, but I can't believe that this is very common at all. As a camp counselor with a good grasp on how (im)mature kids are at 11 or 12, the thought of them having sex is horrifying. They haven't fully developed their personalities; they are still trying to discover who they are. Are we supposed to put girls on birth control and start altering their hormones the second they get their periods? Sure, we can reevaluate our sex ed curriculum in public schools but I think there are major issues at home when you have 11 year olds having sex. In my opinion, that's not even something that can be controlled via the schools -- that's a parenting issue.
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I thought of when reading Meghan's post was why safety is such an issue for women to consider when they start having sex, but we never think of it that way for men. Walker "got lucky" because she stayed safe both emotionally and physically despite the fact that she started experimenting with sex at a young age. When men lose their virginity, they are applauded; when women do, our first though goes to whether or not she was safe...whether or not she is "ok" emotionally.
ReplyDeleteIn addition to closing the gap between the public and private aspects of sex (sex all over the media but rarely discussed), women need to learn that sex and sexual experiences are as much theirs as the men they are with. By seeing sex as your own, and not just for the pleasure of someone else, perhaps less emotionally harmful sexual experiences will occur.
I think another important aspect of having a more open dialogue about sex is that young men and women need to learn that the sex they see in the media is not realistic. This goes back to the difference between doing sex and having it that we discussed when we read Raunch Culture. If people learn at a young age that sex is not a show or an act but instead a mututal experience, they would perhaps enter into it with a completely different, more healthy mindset that focuses less on "sexy" and more on "sexuality."
I think one of the big ironies of raunch culture is that while sexual displays are pushed further into the mainstream, frank sexual exploration remains unfortunately rare. As Meghan pointed out, sexuality is something that is too often divorced from actual sexual experience. While sexiness is continually be pushed into the mainstream and forced on those who choose to participate in mainstream culture, knowledge about actual sexual experience remains in shadow.
ReplyDeleteIn particular, women’s quest for sexual satisfaction is still something that is seen as shameful, especially if it is divorced from accompanying male pleasure. Consider, for instance, that male masturbation is generally seen as accepted and inevitable and does not need to be framed by female sexual pleasure, while most women would deny that they masturbate except in exhibitionist settings, where it could gain male approval ourselves from our sexuality without becoming a sexless prude. It is not embarrassing to be sexual within raunch culture because it is something that is done for another person, and therefore is not a personal or genuine act. It is a facade that we can hide behind without ever having to actually engage with ourselves sexually and saves us from connecting with our sexual pleasure, something we have long been told is wrong and forbidden.
That said, I can’t help but see a link between stifling of female sexual pleasure and the general disdain for women who enjoy food. It’s as if a woman with appetites—with urges to nurture her body and give it “what it craves,” as Walker says—defies the expectations that women be demure and unassuming. Women should not ask for what they want, but should rather defer to the wants of others. In regards to food, this suppression of appetites is framed by the need to be attractive, while the suppression of sexual appetites stems from fears about being too sexually aggressive (of course, being slutty isn’t the problem because being slutty just means that you’re willing to provide sexual satisfaction, even if you can’t have it yourself), but always women’s desires are secondary to placating the wants and fears of the men around them.