Newaflash: Being "Open" to Gay Marriage

Same-sex marriage has been, and will continue to be a hotly debated topic for many years to come. Many reasons are behind a gay couples’ desire to enter into marriage. Some may seek more legal rights that are granted only to married couples, such as hospital visitations. Others are granted virtually the same rights in a civil union as those couples who are married (particularly in New Jersey), but seek the title of “marriage” and the commitment and fancy ceremony that accompanies it. Whatever the reason, same-sex couples and those that support them are fighting hard to be granted the right to marry in all states. Meanwhile, Scott James’s article, “Many Successful Gay Marriages Share an Open Secret” discusses how many gay couples have open relationships. While steering away from the conventional rules of marriage may make relationships better for same-sex couples (and heterosexual couples, for that matter), the idea may work against them and only strengthen the desire for heterosexuals to keep marriage an institution solely between a man and woman.
James talks about Ray and Rio, a lesbian couple who married in 2008 during the brief time that same-sex marriage was legal in California. The couple chose to omit the words “fidelity” and “monogamy” from their wedding vows; they instead describe their relationship as “open.” The couple acknowledges that despite the fact that they chose marriage, their bond is “forged on their own terms” (James). Many people who supported proposition 8, which banned same-sex marriage in California, see same-sex couples as trying to rewrite the rules and ethics that marriage has stood for throughout history. When Massachusetts decided to permit-same sex marriage, people were worried that it would “spread through the nation and undermine traditional marriage” (Naples).
A recent study shows that many gay couples do not value monogamy. James describes how couples feel as though their relationships are stronger, more long lasting, and more honest because of their ability to have sexual relations with other people. And this is not limited to just a few; James says, “The Gay Couples Study has followed 556 male couples for three years — about 50 percent of those surveyed have sex outside their relationships, with the knowledge and approval of their partners” (James). The principle of the study described how infidelity simply does not have the same negative connotation in same-sex relationships that it has in heterosexual relationships.
Research showed that these couples are just as happy as any other, despite their outward infidelity. Many couples even last longer with a less rigid system of rules. There are, however, rules that go along with open relationships. For Chris and James, a couple since 2002, that means complete disclosure, approval in advance, and no sex with strangers.
Joe Quirk, author of the book “It’s Not You, It’s Biology,” stated, “The combination of freedom and mutual understanding can foster a unique level of trust” (James). He describes how traditional American marriage is in crisis and needs some new innovation in order to survive. While open relationships are not characteristic only of same-sex couples, it seems to be more common practice than with straight couples.
As Joe Quirk described, it is no secret that traditional marriage is in trouble. Divorce is as common as changing your shoes, and with recent media coverage of failed marriages like those of Tiger Woods and Sandra Bullock, many more women are starting to realize that their husbands have not been faithful. When the all-American golfer can’t make marriage work with a beautiful Swedish super model-who can?
It is not all that hard to believe that many same-sex couples experience happier, longer lasting unions as the result of open relationships. After all, same-sex couples face a level of discrimination and difficult challenges that straight couples simply do not, which may lead to a stronger bond and a stronger sense of trust that allows them to “play” with other people without causing controversy. On the other hand, as far as marriage goes, it is safe to say that most people still want a monogamous relationship, at least when they first enter into marriage. It is likely that most women (and hopefully men) enter into heterosexual marriages with the understanding and expectation that their spouse will remain faithful to them. That is exactly why marriage is an “institution,” and one that should be taken seriously. If two people in a relationship or marriage agree that monogamy is not in the rules, then that is absolutely their prerogative and right. Nonetheless, the idea of the “innovation of marriage” and changing its overall meaning does seem to undermine traditional marriage and the idea of total commitment that is so appealing and cherished by many people.
Whether open relationships are characteristic of same-sex marriages or not, it does not mean that same-sex marriages as a whole are against monogamous relationships. Similarly, this does not mean that all straight couples are monogamous and never experiment with open relationships or “swinging.” Nonetheless, the idea that marriage may be completely redefined in the future is one that makes many people uncomfortable, and same-sex couples are an easy target for blame. This is likely why so few people in the gay community are willing to speak openly about open relationships, as Scott James described. They worried that “discussing the subject could undermine the legal fight for same-sex marriage,” and that worry is not unjustified.
Paula Ettelbrick brings a different perspective to the table. Ettelbrick discusses the patriarchal and dominating aspects of the marriage institution, and is not shy in expressing her disgust in the tradition or the fight for same-sex couples to be able to take part in it. She states, “It will constrain us, make us more invisible, force our assimilation into the mainstream, and undermine the goals of gay liberation” (Ettelbrick). Unlike many same-sex couples who fight to prove that they are the same as any other couple, Ettelbrick believes just the opposite. She outwardly stresses the fact that she is not the same, and by mainstreaming same-sex couples into the marriage system, gays and lesbians are going against their overall goal. “Being queer means pushing the parameters of sex, sexuality, and family, and in the process transforming the very fabric of society” (Ettelbrick). Ettelbrick explains how gay and lesbian couples are not placing themselves in a position of power when they downplay their differences to conform to society. She also describes how their movement is one that works to recognize many different types of relationships as valid and respected.
Most would agree that opening up the definition of “relationship” would not be a bad thing. Relationships do not include simply a man and a woman, or monogamy, or certain races, or classes, or ethnicities. Relationships are different in an endless variety of ways, and all should be valued and respected.
Marriage, however, involves certain values that need to be upheld before it becomes just another fun activity for people to do on their day off. Those who enter into a marriage, whether they be black, white, gay or straight, all go into it with a mutual understanding of what that relationship entails. If a same-sex couple wants to get married and have an open relationship, more power to them. Nonetheless, the very definition of marriage as a commitment to one person for the rest of your life should remain unchanged, whether or not that holds true for each couple.
Ettelbrick describes marriage as “a simple certificate of the state, regardless of whether the spouses love, respect, or even see each other on a regular basis…” There is no doubt that the traditional American marriage has its faults and is in trouble, perhaps exactly for this reason. Maybe people are marrying for the wrong reasons and putting things like love and respect on the backburner. Even so, decreasing the divorce rates in our country will not necessarily result from an overhaul of the system and re-definition of marriage. All relationships need to focus on love and respect, and take those two aspects with them down the aisle, so to say. But this is not a problem that needs to be on the shoulders of same-sex couples; we cannot view the problems that married people face in today’s society as the result of allowing same-sex marriage (or trying to), but instead as the fault of society as a whole and the lack of values in many relationships. Whether or not open relationships are a solution to the problems in some relationships is irrelevant to the legalization of gay marriage.